Have you ever had a feeling that wouldn't go away? Like no matter how much you tried, it kept reappearing at the most inappropriate times, when you desperately needed to  be happy?
I feel like no smile or laugh is going to make this crushing feeling go away.


The walls are closing in.

I don't know what happened in the last 24 hours or even in the past two hours.
I don't know how my brain was functioning.
I don't know what's going on.

I don't know if I'm upset.
Or sad.
Or just scared.

I don't know what to expect.
Or to trust that it'll all work out.

I think that I'm adult enough to handle this, but currently all I can do is just wonder what happened?

Suddenly my life wasn't revolving around my future.
And I guess that's where it began.


On the plus side: I can use this to my advantage and try and figure out who I am.
I've also figured out a tattoo design.

I don't really know what my deal is lately. I've got way too much going on in my life, but all I can really think about is getting a tattoo. It's kind of ridiculous. Perhaps it's just my getaway from thinking about all these situations and complications.

The issue with the tattoo though, is that I have no idea what I want to get. All I know is that I want it on the back of my neck and I want it to be small. I want it personalized to my life and I want it to have meaning. Is that too much to ask?

I need to take some stress out of my life. I need to quit being the worry wart I was born to be.

Today is my lovely mother's birthday. For some unknown reason, she wants the Daughtry cd.
Anywho.
I've been thinking about the way I want to spend the rest of my life and I'm pretty sure I have some clue as to what I'd like to accomplish and how I'll live day to day.
I know life isn't something you plan out and anticipate.
BUT that's my plan: to let life just happen and to just live.

I have no idea what I want to do for a career.
I have no idea where I will live.
I have no idea who will stay in my life years from now
and I have no idea when my life will end (just like everyone else)

So who's to say I'll live until tomorrow? We don't have that guarantee and I guess that's what inclines me to just live and not fret.

Then again, this is what I'm writing now...
A week from today I'll be having an anxiety attack, because I don't have a profession in mind.

So this week has been pretty hectic and I'll admit that it's my own damn fault for not taking advantage of the little free time that I'm allotted. In fact, I wasted that time on lazing around and youtubing. In result, I'm stuck writing an ethnography, an art essay, a reflective essay, studying for finals, preparing a spanish conversation, preparing to teach Ocotillo 4th graders, finishing an art project, wrapping up CIS and getting ready for this damn transition.

Life never waits.
Possible tattoo saying?
I'm pretty sure I want a tattoo on the upper backside of my neck...any thoughts?
Clinton...I want some info!!!

I'm amazed that myspace, facebook and any other social network are blocked off at work, except for this lovely website. Which, in turn, leads to my daily updates.
Let's see...what shall Faith converse about today?
Let's talk about hypocrites.
I dislike hypocrites.
I am a hypocrite, but I do not dislike myself, because I can at least admit to being a hypocrite.
I think that is all I need to say.
Other than this:
Do not judge others for their actions when they were understanding and forgiving when you went against your own values and ethics at one point in time.

I am finally moving out.

Today I heard something quite relevant to my situation on the radio. It went something along the lines of "When you're finding yourself, you tend to endure a rough patch". I may have fancied the saying up but it rings true for me.
What better time to find yourself than in college? I'm trying to find what I want to do with the rest of my life. I'm trying to find what will be more fulfilling and worthwhile. I guess my biggest fear is that in ten years I'll find myself in some dead-end job with no passion or dreams. I want to live this life to the fullest and yet here I sit contemplating and worrying that I won't.
My best bet is to just go out there and ram it head on. I need to quit pitying myself and just be happy with what I'm given. It's as easy as that and somehow I manage to make it worse than it is.
From now on...I need to actually "go with the flow" and live my life as it continues.

Might as well go out with bang.

I look at my tired and swollen eyes in the mirror and can't see myself in this blotchy pallate of vulnerability and pain.
How'd I get here? What caused this reflection of grief?
I struggle to exhale, staggering breaths are forced from my throat.
I want you to understand. I want you to see.
Perhaps this is what pushed others away. My inability to just smile and avoid the hurt that suddenly feels inevitable day in and day out. There's absolutely no reason to feel this.
To feel offended at each remark.
To feel naked in front of my peers.
To feel bruised.
Worthless.

I want to be her. I want to be her so bad. I want the Faith that cracked a joke, a smirk, a laugh. I'm wrenching the very innards of myself to find her. To find where she went and why she left me. I want her focus, her ambition, her passion, her life.

I look at my bright and clear eyes in the old picture. I can't recognize who that girl is and why she's smiling so happily. What did she see and why did she become who she is today?

According to wikiHow, happiness can come in steps.
1. Relax
2. Smile
3. Take the good with the bad
4. Be thankful
5. Be yourself
6. Pursue goals that make you happy
7. Focus on the objective
8. Develop healthy relationships
9. Diversify
10. Make someone else happy
11. Dance, sing and laugh
12. Forgive and forget

http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Happy

Now for just a moment, force a smile upon your face. How does it feel? Like the stretching of your mouth is unnatural? It's as if the cheeky grin with the lifeless eyes are just so played out? Once that smile fades, you're back to an expression that seems familiar. I don't smile 24/7 and I would hope neither do you. I can't imagine happiness every moment of my life, because without those painful times, I'd never feel the relief and beauty of a true smile and the weightless feeling of happiness.

Lately I've been trying to force happiness unto myself, obviously it's failed or else I wouldn't have googled "how to be happy". Pretty pathetic, but when worse comes to worse, I need a little inspiration and a tad of a push. I guess the grand issue at hand is that there's nothing to be so down about. I have a family (a little dysfunctional, but whose isn't?), I have kind of sort of friends (apparently after one mistake, Faith isn't one of "those" friends anymore), a loving boyfriend (whose love I seem to question uselessly every other day) and an education (that seems to be getting more and more difficult and complicating unraveling).
I have more than others and as others would like to probably point out: All I can seem to do is pull the negative from these circumstances. I admit a lot of this is my own fault. For turning into this hermit and for not honestly trying.
And truthfully, this is the part of the journal entry in which I figure out my answer and my solution...but I'm still so lost and confused as I was at the beginning of this post.
I better google "finding clarity and understanding" now.